My friends gawk while I pretend to be enchanted by another piece of overpriced jewelry paired with a perfectly manicured set of nails. Don’t get me wrong, getting engaged is an amazing moment, but the meaning behind it is becoming corrupt and clouded by a society that’s fueled by social media and the need to one-up each other’s carats and accomplishments.
If you look up the negative effects that social media has on mental health, it’s almost overwhelming. Words like anxiety, depression, and loneliness flood the page. And there’s evidence that women are being more impacted by social media than men. Social media strips us of crucial face-to-face interactions and replaces them with snapshots of airbrushed couples and societal pressures which imply we’re not doing enough to meet the high standards that our peers are achieving. It’s natural to subconsciously size yourself up as you scroll through promotions, proposals and pregnancies all day long and feel your self-esteem plummet somewhere along the way. Regardless of its negative side effects, social media is highly addictive. Cognitive neuroscientists have shown that online interactions with peers and liking posts cause an influx of dopamine. It causes instant pleasure and reinforces the behavior . Even though we know we’ll come across posts and pictures that make us feel belittled, we’re compelled to continue scrolling. Don’t believe it? Pay close attention to the anxiety you feel the next time you lose your phone. Addiction to digital dopamine has skewed our vision of what’s important. Knowing that our biggest moments and milestones are being judged on social media, there’s a suppressed fear of feeling inadequate against those ceiling less standards. The quick solution? Go bigger. More carats. Flashier weddings. Prove ourselves worthy of everyone’s attention. We cycle through so much content over the course of the day that we’re practically immune to the loveliness of it all—we crave unrealistic standards of success.
The average cost of an engagement ring in 2021 is $6,300 ( and growing )—the average in California is over $10,000! Pre-pandemic, the average cost of a wedding in the U.S. was around$33,000. While COVID-19 restrictions forced most couples to postpone their big day, 2022 is predicted to have over 2.5 million weddings and the pressure is already on for brides-to-be. Of the seven weddings I have in the coming months, I wanted to interview my engaged friend Renee—she answered my call, bubbly and upbeat, as usual. Renee and her fiancé Sean met a tour alma mater Providence College—at one of my parties, thank you very much. Even though Renee checks all the boxes to be a beautiful bride, she’s a beautiful person, too. Endlessly kind and positive, I’ve never heard her make negative comments about another woman’s wedding—she even deleted her Instagram because of the way it made her feel. RL: “How overwhelming is it to plan a wedding for our generation versus our parents’?”
RA: “Extremely overwhelming. My mom tells me all the time, “people and their weddings these days,” it’s too much—it’s over the top. Everything has gotten bigger; the bridal parties, bachelorettes, venues, rings, it’s definitely a competition. The most glaring difference is that my mom wasn’t on social media or anything. We’re exposed to so many weddings, so many other people’s stories that we can’t help but compare and find flaws in our own choices.”
RL: “Do you think social media had an impact on the decisions you make?”
RA: Absolutely. I got rid of social media because I was so sick of feeling the pressure of it all. I was constantly seeing the amazing things my friends were doing and it made me feel like shit. Sometimes I’d catch myself doing things for the sole purpose of having a presence on social media—to feel legitimate or matter, even though nobody is out there actually defining “who matters.” Social media was putting strain on my relationship with Sean—I just wanted to do things that made us happy with what we have, not for everyone else’s sake. These perfect couples always looked over-the-top happy when in reality they probably bicker just as much as we do.
RL: “Do you ever get the impression there’s an unspoken competition going on between brides?”
RA: “I know for a fact that people size each other up...I’ve tried really hard to never be the one doing the sizing. I feel so fortunate and happy with what I have and what I’m planning because I’ve filled my life with good people and great friends. But like anything in life, I know people will probably judge my ring, my venue, whatever. I’m sure people have something to say about my decisions—but what Sean and I have is so special we choose not to compare it to what other people have. It also helps to not have social media in our faces, it can definitely take a toll on you.”
RL: “What’s your opinion on all the money that goes into getting married in 2021?"
RA: “Extremely overwhelming. My mom tells me all the time, “people and RA: “It’s very extreme and fast-paced. Once you’re engaged, the pressure is on to book the venue, get the dress. Nobody has a long engagement anymore. It gets expensive very fast. Plus, the backup of availability is insane. There’s this greedy demand to have a flashy venue even though the prices are almost laughable. A lot of brides really want to flaunt this image of wealth and it goes too far—venue, dress, dessert. It’s almost like they’re trying to prove a point, it goes way beyond the sentiment of a wedding.”
I know people like Renee and I are in the minority—most young women dream of their wedding day and the excitement of it all. But such a joyous milestone has become a jaded gesture for me. As a 28-year-old, engagements, bachelorettes and weddings are the topic of every group text, every brunch, every night out. I’ve sat in on countless conversations about who’s wedding dress was ugly, who’s ring was too small, who’s proposal pictures weren’t up to par until I was practically repulsed.
My mom and dad “decided to get married” at one point or another. There was no grand gesture, no 3-carat ring—they even bought their own bands for $60 bucks apiece (mom’s is now cracked down the middle and dad’s is permanently constricting his finger). And they’re one of the happiest couples I’ve ever met. They share laughs over cups of coffee every morning, surprise each other with dinners and root for each others’ successes with ferocity. I guess my foundation for what marriage should be comes from their easy-going adoration for one another.
Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things. And a lot of proposals are a genuine gesture of love. But when the ring outshines the sentiment, I often worry about the point of it all. Engagement rings should be a symbol of love and commitment, not a contest about who’s fiancé dished out the most money. I’d rather be sipping coffee with a cracked wedding band alongside the love of my life than trying to convince everyone on social media that I’m happy.
As long as social media is present in our lives, we will crave approval from our peers. Whatever path you choose, I hope you choose it wholeheartedly for yourself, because people will have an opinion about it regardless. There will always be a ring bigger than yours and a wedding with better bouquets. Own your individuality. Honor your relationship. Communicate with your heart. And by all means, be brave.
